|Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. - George Carlin|
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Clean Male Blonde Jokes
The Football Game
A blonde guy goes to a football game and finds his place in the bleachers. After a while, someone far behind him yells, "Hey, George."
The blonde gets up and scans the crowd behind him. Not seeing anyone he recognizes, he sits down.
Some time later, someone yells again, "Hey, George."
The blonde gets up again and looks around. Seeing no one he knows, he sits down.
A third time someone yells, "Hey, George."
Finally, the blonde gets up, turns around and yells back, "Knock it off! My name's not George."
The Plane Crash
Three blonde guys got into a plane and took off on a trip. On the way they had engine trouble and their plane crashed in the snowy mountains. Being resourceful and determined to survive, they drained some gasoline out of the tank and started a fire to keep warm. When they got thirsty, they found a piece of metal from the wreckage, filled it with snow and melted it. Later they got hungry and ripped some strips from the leather seats, dipped them in motor oil and fried them like bacon.
Vacationers in the nearby Doubletree Hotel thought it was the most amazing thing they'd ever seen.
She Finally Caught Him
This blonde guy was really dumb. In school, he sat next to a really smart student and the teacher knew he was cheating on tests, but she could never prove it, until one day. As she corrected the tests, the teacher saw that the really smart kid had answered a question, "I don't know." The dumb blonde had answered that question. "I don't either."
The Other Super Bowl Game
While the Super Bowl was in progress, there was another, less know game going on. It's the annual game between the Big Animals and the Little Animals. The
Big Animals were crushing the Little Animals. At half time, the Little Animal's coach gave them a rousing pep talk and sent them back out.
The second half started. The Big Animals had the ball. On the first play, the elephant was stopped with no gain. On the second play, the rhinoceros was stopped with no gain. On the third play, the hippo was pushed back 5 yards.
At the defense huddle, the excited coach asked, "Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"And who stopped the rhinoceros?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"And who stopped the hippo?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"Well, where were you during the first half?"
"I was having my ankles taped."
Two blonde college football players were not doing well in their classes. They had to pass a final exam or they would be put on academic probation and not be able to play.
The last question of the fill-in-the-blank test was "Old MacDonald had a ____________."
Tiny didn't know the answer. He looked around and saw that the professor was not looking. He tapped Bubba on the shoulder and asked, "What's the answer to the last question?"
"That's easy," said Bubba. "Everybody knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Thanks," said Tiny. But then he said, "How do you spell "farm?"
"My goodness, you really are dumb," said Bubba. You spell it "E-I-E-I-O."
Two blonde fishing buddies rented a boat early one Saturday morning and headed out for a day on the lake. They both caught their limit and headed home to fried fish dinners. The next Saturday they decided to go fishing again.
"Did you mark the spot?" asked Blonde #1.
"Yup," said Blonde #2. "I put a big X on the bottom of the boat."
"You dummy!" said Blonde #1. "What if we don't get the same boat?"
A wife and her blonde husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbor's dog was barking. This had been going on for months. Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep.
Finally, the blonde says, "I've had enough. I'm going to do something about this." So he gets up, puts on his robe and goes down stairs and out the back door. A little while later, he comes back.
"What did you do? The dog's still barking," asks the wife.
"I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how they like it."
How Do You Measure a Flagpole?
Two blonde guys were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked them what they were doing. "We're supposed to measure the height of this flagpole," said blonde guy number one, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse and loosened some bolts. The guys helped her lay down the flagpole. Then the woman got a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and said, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Blonde guy number two shook his head and laughed. "Isn't that just like a girl? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
We Want Two Budgies
The owner asks, "Do you want two males and two females, or all males or all females."
The blonde says, "It doesn't matter. Whatever you have."
The owner then asks, "What colors would you like? We have blue, yellow and green."
Again, the blonde says, "It doesn't matter. Whatever you have."
The owner says, "OK, then," gets four random budgies and puts them in a pet carrier. The second blonde guy gets out his wallet and pays for them. They leave with the birds.
They then drive to a high cliff. The first blonde reaches into the pet carrier and takes out two of the birds. Grasping them firmly, he flaps his arms and jumps off the cliff. He falls like a rock and goes SPLAT at the bottom.
The second blonde looks over the cliff at his friend and says, "Dang. This budgie jumping isn't what it's cracked up to be."
A blonde guy was having a fight with his neighbor. Things had escalated to the point where it was getting ugly. One day they were both driving their cars on the highway when they collided in a huge accident. The cars were totaled, but, miraculously, neither of them was hurt.
"This must be a sign that we're supposed to put our differences behind us and be friends," said the blonde.
"Yes," said the neighbor. "I agree."
The neighbor went back to the wreckage of his car and found a bottle of whisky which had somehow survived the collision. "This must be a sign that we should celebrate."
"I agree," said the blonde. The neighbor offered him the bottle and he took a couple of large gulps. Then the neighbor took the bottle back to his car.
"Aren't you going to have any?" asked the blonde.
"No, I think I'll wait until after the police leave."
Shovel the Snow
Father: I thought I asked you to go out and shovel the snow off the driveway.
Blonde Son: You did, I'm on my way.
Father: But you only have one boot on.
Blonde Son: Well, there's only one foot of snow.
Keys Locked in the Car
A couple bought a car and had the dealership add a few upgrades to it. When they returned to pick up their car, they were told that the keys had been locked inside. Going to the service area, they found the mechanic, who was blonde, feverishly working to open the driver's side door. The woman instinctively tried the passenger side door, only to find it was unlocked. She said, "Hey, it's open!"
The mechanic replied, "I know. I already got that side."
An old farmer was driving home from from his annual trip to the city when he saw a couple of blonde tree farmers planting their crop by hand. As he had some extra time on his hands, he stopped to watch, but couldn't believe his eyes as they dug holes and filled them back in without dropping in any seeds or seedlings.
Finally his curiosity got the best of him so he got out of his car and walked over to talk with them.
"What are you guys doing?" he asked.
"Planting trees," they said in unison.
"But where is the seed or seedlings?" he asked.
"Oh," one said, "normally there are three of us. He digs the holes, Jimmy plants the seedling, and I fill the hole. But Jimmy is out sick today."
Same Old Same Old
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said,"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He maked his own lunch."
Football Star Wannabe
Did you hear about the blonde football player who asked his coach to flood the field so he could go in as a sub?
A drunken blind man walks into a bar and after conversing with the locals finally yells, "Hey, do you want to hear a really funny blonde joke?"
The gentleman beside him says to him in a hushed voice, "You might not want to tell that joke since everyone here IS blonde including that 250 pound wrestler on the other side of you and the 225 pound black belt bouncer who's staring at you nastily. Are you sure you still want to tell that joke?"
"Nah," says the blind guy, "not if I'm going to have to explain it twice."
The blonde mechanic told his customer, "I wasn't able to repair your brakes, so I made the horn louder."
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